Control of the Narrative is Shifting; White Men are Grasping
As the protests over the murder of George Floyd spread and turned into a worldwide movement, I noticed a disturbing trend with many of the white men posting on social media. They seemed at first to be voicing support for the movement, but then kept adding caveats. As in, “I support the protesters, but not the looting and violence.” Or, “I support the protesters, but I still think kneeling during the anthem is disrespectful to the flag.” NFL Quarterback Drew Brees drew flack this week for similar comments. He, too, seemed to feel this need to state his position about the flag amidst the current uprising. Why?
I had the same experience during the Brett Kavanaugh trial, and the #metoo cases as a whole. As these women came forward and told their stories, the women I knew experienced a collective exhale. We all voiced support of these women, and were thrilled that finally, women were being heard, and it seemed men were being held accountable. The men that I knew tried. They would start out sentences with support, but then end with a caveat. I am glad women are feeling empowered, but they shouldn’t have waited that long to say anything. It’s good women are being listened to, but you know, it’s possible someone could make a false report.
In both the instances during the #metoo movement, and the current movement against systemic racism and police brutality, reading and hearing these caveats attached makes my blood boil and my skin crawl. These men seem unable to hear themselves. They seem unable to see that to add a “but” to their supportive statement has now completely erased the support. Their statement has now become patronizing and disrespectful to the very people they are claiming to support. Why do they feel the need to do this?
Are these men feeling the need to assert their opinion to try to make sure they have some authority about something? Are they doing it because they want to keep a little distance between themselves and full acceptance of the truth being told? Are they afraid if they accept that things are as bad as people are saying they are, then they will have to agree that things must change. If things change, where does that leave them?
The narrative of all the stories told in our country’s history has been controlled by white men. I think that the white men who are reacting in the way I described are doing so out of a subconscious fear of losing that control. They sense that the narrative has suddenly and finally shifted out of their hands. Someone else is telling the story. Women are telling the story, and people are finally listening. People of color are telling the story, and people are finally listening.
Although the majority of the voices I saw grasping this week on my news feed were white men, they aren’t the only ones guilty of this. While white women may face the oppression of sexism, they simultaneously benefit from systemic oppression of people of color as well. Whoever is using this strategy of walking some middle line is doing so out of fear. They don’t know what this will mean for them, but in their gut, they fear they are losing something.
The truth is, they are losing something. They are losing the unfair advantage of being the only one people listen to and believe. They are losing complete control of the narrative. Their version isn’t the only version that will be told. Their version won’t necessarily be believed over a woman’s or a person of color’s version anymore.
These are people that don’t want to be “bad” guys. They don’t want to be racist, or sexist, or homophobic. So they try to voice support, but their fear tells them to grasp for control at the same time, and so they add some type of “but”. They want it both ways — empower others, but hold on to their supremacy.
It does not work. You come across as a jerk. If you can’t just state your support free and clear, then just be quiet. If you are still wrestling with some of these issues, and you find yourself wanting to add a “but” to your support statement, just wait to speak. Do your own work. Don’t subject women to your concerns about sexual harassment cases. Don’t subject people of color to your concerns about how they are protesting. Wrestle with your concerns. Your voice isn’t needed right now. You don’t need to narrate these issues. Practice listening instead.
