Love, Freedom, and Daydreams
I want my life to grow bigger as I grow older.
I daydream about world travel and meeting interesting people who have had experiences I have not yet had. I imagine connecting with strangers while studying yoga in Mysore, India, or while hiking the Camino de Santiago in Spain. I see myself wading into unfamiliar healing rivers, and eating adventurous new dishes under the hot sun of distant lands. I want to climb the Andes in Peru, and discover the secrets of the Shamans sans the Ayahuasca. I want to feel free and alive and myself, and I want to see it all.
My other daydream is about falling in love again with someone who is willing and able and excited to put their whole heart into our connection. I dream of connecting with a man who has experienced deep love and grieved great losses, and thus knows the value of a true partner. I imagine a connection in which we both readily put our coalition first, without power struggles or petty jealousies. I dream of laughter and openness and emotional connection. I dream of having a back-up I can rely on as I courageously show up in the world.
Can I have a deep and abiding love like this, a person to call home, and also the adventures I dream about?
My marriage had a lot of love in it, but freedom was lacking. I felt tied to providing for the emotional security of my husband, and was always conscious of his neediness for me. In addition, the scope of what he could imagine and do in life was limited by his upbringing and his belief system about himself and the world. The way he saw money, work, opportunity, possibility, was limited to what he had seen modeled. He could not propel me into a life beyond what I already knew. In addition, we had two daughters. My life became primarily about providing a safe and stable home for them. I felt I had to color inside certain lines to know I was being a “good” parent.
After my divorce, I eventually found love again. This time, the relationship contained plenty of freedom. I felt free to do as I wished, explore the world and my possibilities at will, with the support of my partner. He was able to show me possibilities and new ways of seeing that were beyond my experience. In some ways, he helped my visions grow to be more expansive. However, I found myself being the one to pull it back down, and felt security and love was lacking in our relationship. We were both free agents in the world, but our rootedness together was shaky at best, and when I asked for more, he became a ghost, incapable of true connection.
Today, I find myself single again, and enjoying my own company. I have time to write, and daydream, and work, and play. I have time for self-care and exploring what brings me joy. I am finding I love-love-love the peace and contentment I feel these days. I spend zero time having my feelings hurt by an uncaring partner, or conversely, feeling I have to stay in when I’d rather be out to take care of a partner’s feelings. I listen to my friends’ struggles with their partners and none of it sounds appealing to me. Why are we so cruel to the ones we’ve claimed to love the most? Why do people fight against each other’s needs, desires, wants? Why is it so challenging for people to just give to their partner from a heart of abundance and faith and trust? I feel I only want another partner if I am able to love and be loved freely and fearlessly and whole-heartedly. Is that possible?
My kids are getting older, but they are still not old enough that I can leave them and go on traveling adventures. I am limited in the people I meet on the day to day here in this town, and what possibilities they see for their lives.
I have a fear of falling in love with someone who will make my life smaller rather than larger.
I have a fear of ending up in another relationship filled with strife and heartache.
But more than anything, I would love to experience the great love and partnership I dream of.
And more than anything, I would love to experience travel and freedom and the feeling I get when I am out in the world meeting kind, like-minded strangers and just being me.
Do I have the patience to not settle for less than my grandest visions?
Or are my grandest visions just an external symbol for what I will only truly find inside of me?