Reclaiming Joy After Heartache

I have learned that my life can change at any time without my permission.

When your life shifts from underneath you, and your heart is breaking, it can feel like joy is something reserved for others. When you have fallen into the false belief that your joy is dependent on a particular outcome, and you cannot seem to make that outcome materialize as you had envisioned, your first response is the kind of despair that threatens to swallow you up. In these moments, you forget that you don’t believe in a God that pulls puppet strings or punishes folks. Suddenly you find yourself angry and railing at a man in the sky for fucking with your life. You feel as if each breath takes painful effort, and you know you must keep walking even though your soul is screaming and you can picture your body in a crumpled heap. You enter the bargaining phase of grief, believing that if you can somehow go back, and put those pieces back together, you will be okay.

The thing is, the pieces that have fallen most likely needed to fall, and the ground that shifted was never as solid as you were counting on, and grasping at the retreating mist will not change that. Impermanence is the nature of life and trying to find certitude is a losing battle. The only way to joy is acceptance and faith. Accepting things have changed and faith that it is for me. Okay, universe….what’s next?

This being the nature of things, I have realized the most important thing is to move towards that which brings you joy each moment, to spend as many moments as you can in those places, with those people, doing those things….and to be present — to truly be where your feet are — as they say.

Your soul is drawing you towards that which is for you, and that which is for you may not be that which is for others. Deep, soul-filling joy indicates that you are right where you are meant to be. This is different from momentary pleasure that feeds the ego, but leaves you crashing later. This is life-sustaining, carry-it-with-you, pass-it-on-to others kind of joy.

Here are 15 things that bring me this kind of joy.

1. Cooking with women I love — the smell of garlic, or sesame, or lemon grass, and the vibrant conversation while we chop and simmer and boil flavorful dishes.
2. Sitting on my sofa in a clean house with a cup of coffee or tea and a good book.
3. Traveling on my own — walking through a strange city, taking in the sights and smells and sounds, chatting with strangers, noticing what I’m drawn to when I have no one else to consider.
4. Eating a great meal out at a restaurant with friends — either food adventures — trying new dishes, or diving into a favorite dish at a place I love.
5. The sound of my daughters talking and laughing when they are in the space of being friends with one another, and are enjoying each other’s company, or sharing their music with one another.
6. Conversations about God with people who are part of my “soul tribe”, like minded folks who are seeking divine inspired connections, who experience, give, and bear witness to grace, heartache, miracles, and love on a regular basis.
7. Conversations about social justice, or marching for social justice with others seeking movement towards a more equitable world.
8. Listening to my nephews talk in their toddler voices, and witnessing them experiencing new things.
9. When my student’s eyes light up as a thought forms in their consciousness on a topic I’ve brought to them to consider, and they enthusiastically want to share their point. When I see people level up — courageously walking towards their soul’s purpose in a new way.
10. Sunshine — especially the first warm days of a Michigan spring, when the frost has lifted, the trees are budding, and the air smells of lilacs.
11. Road trips through unfamiliar landscapes like the desert or canyons, or hiking in the woods, the smell of pine, and the feeling of moss under my feet
12. A room of my own on a retreat with a bed and a desk and the time to process life.
13. Playing with language in writing — moving words around on a page and finding the precise vocabulary to represent my thoughts, observations, or feelings.
14. The feeling of my body moving with my breath in my yoga practice. The way my body feels warm and relaxed and happy after yoga.
15. Swimming in a refreshing lake — the feel of cool water on warm skin.

I am 45 years old, and this has become my mantra this year: Pay attention to where your soul experiences joy, and spend as many moments as possible in those places.

We cannot know what tomorrow will bring; so, must not put our joy on hold — until we get that degree, that job, that income, that partner, that house, etc. We can claim our joy in the present, and move towards what warms our soul today.